Perspective

Raising children is hard work. Raising a special needs child with disabilities and health issues is on a whole different level of crazy hard work. Most days I’m exhausted to hopelessness. I wear too many hats. I keep my thoughts about these things to myself most of the time because 1) people don't understand, 2) I don't want to complain, 3) I expect my children to read this blog one day and I never want them to feel bad for my sacrifices as their mother. However, I started this blog with the hope of helping other special needs families. Having someone to relate to and understand the struggle is priceless. Brace yourself:

My hands are raw from the constant cleaning of vomit and poop .

My bones and muscles ache from having to overpower my fighting eight-year-old while I care for him, clothe him, bathe him and change his diaper.

My emotions are on the edge of a meltdown with concern about every facet of his current and future life.

My heart breaks for the pain he endures on a daily basis.

My shoulders hold the heavy responsibility of being severely observant over every detail concerning him in order to be proactive against sickness, injuries, regularity, diet, hydration, and more.

I feel guilty about my "typical" children not receiving as much attention as they should.

I've been sleep deprived for 8+ years with no end in sight (Read more here).

I'm hardly reliable and never predictable.

I have no social life outside of my home and work, not even church is a place of connection. Unless you come to me, it is extremely difficult to connect.

I do not call on help unless absolutely necessary for fear of exhausting all of my resources.

I've heard "You only call me when you need help with your kids" more times than I care to remember (reference the previous two entries).

I want to visit, I want to connect, I want friendship, but my time is severely limited, my energy is reserved for long nights, early mornings and hard days.

"Fun" is so far from my vocabulary that it seems like a distant memory.

"Rest" seems unobtainable, especially not on "family vacation".

My marriage suffers. Greatly.

Just to name a few.

Yes, I carry it all, it is my daily reality, I feel alone, I struggle, I fight, I'm tired... But recently I received some perspective: I attended a funeral of an autistic boy. He was hit by a car and died immediately upon impact (Read more here). Funerals bring much perspective and ones that hit close to home can rock your world.

I didn’t know the boy well, he had no idea that his life gave me much hope. He attended our church once in a while; every time he visited it was a blessing to me. He gave me hope for Samuel’s future. I often wonder what Samuel will be like when he is older. This boy was a no-nonsense, unapologetic worshiper and lover of God. I could see Samuel becoming like him which brought me much joy as I envisioned Samuel’s future.

While looking at that sweet boy in his casket, I felt a great sense of honor. I am honored to carry the weight. I am honored to be trusted with such a significant task. There aren’t many who can do what I do. I would not trade my role for anything.

Right now, his parents are living every parents’ nightmare. I couldn't imagine burring one of my own; actually, that’s not true, I have imagined it and I have come close to walking in their shoes and it was horrific to think about. God saved us, saved my children from death on more than a few occasions. I am forever grateful for Him and His saving grace. I can’t even begin to put into mere words how much I appreciate God stretching His hand out to save us.

So today, I have perspective. Yes, I carry extremely heavy burdens, but He carries me. God's grace and love is the only way I'm able to do what I do. And I love what I do.

Family Vacation 2017
Maybe one day I'll tell the story.
God's saving grace is amazing.
I can't thank Him enough.