I feel a melt down coming on... that weepy, tear-filled-eyes feeling that you just can't shake. When you can't see the good, only the bad. When you don't see a way out. No light. No comfort.
I want to blame it on the doctor. It was only a check up. I didn't need to know the tendencies of Rubenstein Taybi Syndrome. I didn't need to know what to "look for". I didn't need to know that he is well below the average scale as well as the RTS scale. Yes, I'd like to blame it in the doctor, but it's not his fault, not entirely.
Samuel has been extra fussy lately. Fussiness that's actually a cry for something. A need, a want, an exclamation! I don't know. That's the exhausting part; I DONT KNOW!! I don't know!!! I don't know what my son needs, wants, desires. I guess. I guess wrong, time and time again. I tell him to show me on his iPad; he refuses. I tell him to use his words; he can't.
I'm a mother who can't help her child. I'm at a loss. A deficit. I'm struggling.
We have victories, yes. We have success, yes. But the struggle and frustration on both our parts has tipped the scales.
I imagine what life would be like if Samuel were a typical 8-year-old. Helpful, nurturing. Instead he is the opposite. And I hate to admit that. Even his younger brother and sister see it. His 2-year-old sister looks out for him, warns him, protects him, helps him. Our house dynamic revolves around Samuel's needs.
But more than that, what Samuel is, what he declares with every slow, unstable foot step, with everything within his little being: a lover, a healer, acceptant of all people, an encourager, a Saint.
And I am honored to be his mother. As exhausted as I am, he is worth it. Every tear, every meltdown; he is worth it. I pray his siblings feel the same.
So when you say, "I just love Samuel, he blesses me so much", you're actually strengthening me. He could care less what you say or think, if you're blessed or not. He is who he is; he makes no apologies, he does not need your validation. He does not struggle to be who God made him to be. I am the one who struggles to let him be who God made him to be!!! His brother and sister are the ones who struggle!!!
So my prayer tonight and in this season is "God give me and my children the grace to face the challenges beset before us. Help us to accept who you made Samuel to be. I let go of what could've been, what I think it should be and I give you total control. As I grieve the loss of my dreams for my children, I'm trusting You to replace them with Your dreams, Your plans, Your thoughts and Your ways. I'm trusting that Your peace will wash over me and my household, I'm trusting that You'll send help, that You'll strengthen me and that joy will come in the morning! Amen!"
I want to blame it on the doctor. It was only a check up. I didn't need to know the tendencies of Rubenstein Taybi Syndrome. I didn't need to know what to "look for". I didn't need to know that he is well below the average scale as well as the RTS scale. Yes, I'd like to blame it in the doctor, but it's not his fault, not entirely.
Samuel has been extra fussy lately. Fussiness that's actually a cry for something. A need, a want, an exclamation! I don't know. That's the exhausting part; I DONT KNOW!! I don't know!!! I don't know what my son needs, wants, desires. I guess. I guess wrong, time and time again. I tell him to show me on his iPad; he refuses. I tell him to use his words; he can't.
I'm a mother who can't help her child. I'm at a loss. A deficit. I'm struggling.
We have victories, yes. We have success, yes. But the struggle and frustration on both our parts has tipped the scales.
I imagine what life would be like if Samuel were a typical 8-year-old. Helpful, nurturing. Instead he is the opposite. And I hate to admit that. Even his younger brother and sister see it. His 2-year-old sister looks out for him, warns him, protects him, helps him. Our house dynamic revolves around Samuel's needs.
But more than that, what Samuel is, what he declares with every slow, unstable foot step, with everything within his little being: a lover, a healer, acceptant of all people, an encourager, a Saint.
And I am honored to be his mother. As exhausted as I am, he is worth it. Every tear, every meltdown; he is worth it. I pray his siblings feel the same.
So when you say, "I just love Samuel, he blesses me so much", you're actually strengthening me. He could care less what you say or think, if you're blessed or not. He is who he is; he makes no apologies, he does not need your validation. He does not struggle to be who God made him to be. I am the one who struggles to let him be who God made him to be!!! His brother and sister are the ones who struggle!!!
So my prayer tonight and in this season is "God give me and my children the grace to face the challenges beset before us. Help us to accept who you made Samuel to be. I let go of what could've been, what I think it should be and I give you total control. As I grieve the loss of my dreams for my children, I'm trusting You to replace them with Your dreams, Your plans, Your thoughts and Your ways. I'm trusting that Your peace will wash over me and my household, I'm trusting that You'll send help, that You'll strengthen me and that joy will come in the morning! Amen!"
A beautiful and honest statement of your life and my wife's life my life with our daughter Reyna.Bless your household.I know now she was sent for me too be a better father a softer father a calmer and more understanding too other people going through some of the same things we are going through she has made me a better person all around I give thanks to God that He gave me her.
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