I started this blog with hopes of helping others relate to and cope with having a special needs child, facing obstacles, being a stay-at-home mom...the list goes on and on. I can't expect to help others if I'm not completely open and honest. I'd love to paint you a beautiful picture of what an awesome mom I am and how perfect our family is....but that would not be even close to honest.
With that being said, I'm about to share something that I've never shared with anyone. A feeling. A thought. At one of my lowest points in the struggle of having a special needs child and a busy baby with a busy schedule, I wrote in my journal,
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However, sometimes it becomes so overwhelming that I wonder if it would have been better to just not have had any children at all. I was told by two doctors that I probably wouldn't be able to conceive. So it wasn't so far fetched that I would be childless. I had, somewhat, accepted it. And now that I have them, I wonder if God gave them to the wrong woman. I feel like He got the wrong gal for the job. I told Him today that this is a hard thing that He has asked of me. I don't know if I'm strong enough for this. I'm not ... I'm not.... I'm not a good mother.
Just being open and honest. You can judge if you want, but remember, you'll be judged in the same manner that you judge others (including me).
There is a happy ending, at least for this blog entry...
The next thing I have written under that journal entry is this:
Amen and amen.
With that being said, I'm about to share something that I've never shared with anyone. A feeling. A thought. At one of my lowest points in the struggle of having a special needs child and a busy baby with a busy schedule, I wrote in my journal,
"If I had to do it over againNot that I don't love and adore my children. I do. Not that I don't thank God each morning and night (and in between) for the blessing of these two sweet boys. Not that I don't have wonderful laughs and joy with them. I do. I am blessed.
I'm not sure I would.
And that scares me."
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However, sometimes it becomes so overwhelming that I wonder if it would have been better to just not have had any children at all. I was told by two doctors that I probably wouldn't be able to conceive. So it wasn't so far fetched that I would be childless. I had, somewhat, accepted it. And now that I have them, I wonder if God gave them to the wrong woman. I feel like He got the wrong gal for the job. I told Him today that this is a hard thing that He has asked of me. I don't know if I'm strong enough for this. I'm not ... I'm not.... I'm not a good mother.
Just being open and honest. You can judge if you want, but remember, you'll be judged in the same manner that you judge others (including me).
There is a happy ending, at least for this blog entry...
The next thing I have written under that journal entry is this:
But it was done for the glory of God
"I made him like this so I could be glorified in this. My strength is made perfect in your weakness. If you're too strong, I can't show off. If you've got too much going for you, I can't show off."
But when all hell is breaking loose and you're down for the count and there's no way in the world that you can get up, God says, "That's when I can show up and show them that I've been with you all of your life!"
God can be glorified in something that is not beautiful, not perfect.
"I planned his blindness for my glory. I'm glorified in the imperfections."
Don't fix it, glorify Him.
"I made him this way because I have an appointment with him when the time is right and the stage is set, I'm going to heal him where I can get the most glory!"- TD Jakes speaking on the blind man that was healed
Amen and amen.
I applaud your honesty and even a non challenged child can be so hard for people...Im not a mother, but have had very difficult times in my life. All I know is the good support and love you have through these times makes life worth living.... Life is always going to be up and down, but love the days that are up, and trust in the ones you love when you are down :) xoxo Kaci
ReplyDeleteThank you Kaci. That means a lot coming from you, knowing the struggles you've faced. I pray we get more quality time together in the near future. Love you dearly. Miss you greatly.
DeleteShan, You can't see what others see in you. You are a good Mother. God does NOT make mistakes (AND I KNOW YOU KNOW THIS)...You hold onto your Faith in God & His Word. The Lord chose you to be Samuel & Gabriel's Mom & Michael their Dad. I know that you do have trying times & a lot of work to do. Just like the Word says that is your weakness is His Strength perfected. Praying for you & Michael & those 2 precious boys...Love you so very much!!! If you need me let me know....
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DeleteThank you Mamaw. I believe that we couldn't have made it through some of our struggles had it not been for the faith that you and Papaw (and Mom and Dad) instilled in me. Thank you for your investment. I love you.
DeleteGreat post! Thanks so much for writing this. I have wondered if I was good enough myself. We adopted 2 children out of foster care who were drug exposed. Both are impulsive and hyper, but we love them so very much. It is hard not to go there and blame their issues on the drug exposure. We've been asked to "leave" preschools (if you know what I mean), and have worried over their genetic histories as well as the exposure they had. But, the truth is that the Lord planned them for us. He wrote the story of our lives to include them with all their quirks, habits, hyperactivity, AND their sweetness, talents, and charm. We moms may not feel good enough or even act good enough on those tough days, but He is and that is something to hold on to.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for commenting. I feel it is all worth it. The vulnerability. The struggle. The fight. The sleepless nights. The crying on the floor. It is all worth it if I know it has helped someone else. Thank you for sharing. Please keep in touch.
Delete"Crying on the Floor"....was that you or the boys? lol love you,ma
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