The Mother I wanted to be...

I'm going to be transparent here...so don't judge me:

I always thought that I'd be the kind of mom that would go places with her kids.  Take them here and there....parks, play groups, movies, museums, beach.  I've become the opposite.  When Samuel was born we had to protect him from illness or they'd put a G-tube in his tummy.  We had to carry oxygen where ever we went.  It made it very difficult to get out of the house.  So we just stayed home unless we HAD to go (which was mostly to Atlanta for doctors).  So now I see all the new mothers going places with their babies and it saddens me, for Samuel and for the mother I wanted to be.

Now I have two.  I never got good at taking one out, much less two now.  So I'm still not the mother I wanted to be.

It goes deeper than just taking them out.  I tend to blame myself for Samuel's delays.  I'm his mother, I'm his teacher.  What am I not doing right?  Also, I never wanted him to have sugar (well, some occasionally, just not in high doses).  Now he's addicted to pediasure which is FULL of sugar.  I remember seeing children act up in stores or church and thinking, "Not my kid, no way will I allow that. They need to discipline that kid".  But now, I don't know how to discipline because I'm not sure how much he understands.  I don't want him to think "Mommy hates me, what did I do?  Why does she hate me?"

As a mother you have a certain idea of how things are going to go.  Everything I had planned or dreamed is gone.  I have to let go.  I can't keep comparing myself to others.  I know.  I just have to realize I'm not the mother I wanted to be.